My mother-in-law stole $25,000 from my husband’s emergency fund. We donated to charity rather than give her a birthday gift — and she cried foul.

Dear Quentin,

Shortly after my husband and I married, he discovered his mother had been using a power of attorney to withdraw thousands of dollars at a time from one of his bank accounts. She took $25,000. As his power of attorney, she had access to his emergency fund. The bank helped him move the remaining funds, and had him write a revocation of the power of attorney.

He also sent the revocation to his other financial institutions. He couldn’t close the bank account because his stepdad’s name is on the account, which was his mom’s idea. It’s interesting that she withdrew $25,000 by illegally using the power of attorney while her husband could have legally withdrawn it since his name is on the account.

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A few weeks later, she reminded him of her upcoming birthday and wedding anniversary. He wasn’t going to send an expensive gift after she took $25,000, so instead he sent a card and made a donation to a charity. She responded that a donation is appropriate when a person requests you do that, and that she prefers gifts.

Justifying her theft

When she stopped working years ago she cared for her own father, who contributed to her home expenses, and then she had an inheritance from him after he passed away, which she used to go to Italy, an Alaskan cruise and Ireland. (There were no trips to see her son, though he’s been flying to visit her all these years.) Those funds are gone.

They listed their home for sale last April, and it’s still listed. I’m guessing she justified the theft by thinking of it as borrowing from her son who owes her for the cost of raising him (she talks about how much she spent on him growing up and uses that as a reason he owes her all the time), and maybe thought she’d repay him when she sold the house.

There’s still the issue of the open account. We can’t close it because his stepdad’s name is on it, and he feels he needs to constantly check his accounts in case she somehow gets access and makes withdrawals. Someone suggested a credit freeze, but a friend recommended against that. Is there anything else you recommend we do to protect ourselves going forward?